I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
