I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
