I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
