Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
