Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's blow job season.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
