You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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