I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
