I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
