I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You can't just leave with hair like that
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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