This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
