hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize