I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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