My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize