I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
