I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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