i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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