Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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