Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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