I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Two words: blizzard sex
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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