Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
