Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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