Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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