Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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