So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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