I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
