my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
even my farts smell like vagina
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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