Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
