So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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