Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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