when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
