apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
