Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
