We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
