He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
