There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
