I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
