My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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