Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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