Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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