Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
tell your sister to shave her snatch
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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