Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
