Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
