so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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