i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
