He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
