It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
