we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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