hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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