Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
