Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize