Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
