you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
