sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
