When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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