I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
