i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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