dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
