Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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