My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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