the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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