i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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