My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
