apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
