My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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